up(on) awakening: when I entered the doors

I don’t know if the “other than” feeling I am getting from today’s reading in the Daily Reflections is coming from me being a meth addict as well as an alcoholic, or just because I am that super-special snowflake, but I cannot identify with today’s reading at all.

Unlike the author of the June 19^th reflection, I certainly did not know “instinctively that I was in the presence of a great love when I entered the doors of A.A.”  Nothing like it.  Complete opposite.  I was paranoid and scared for ages. I felt like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with a bunch of assholes who didn’t understand my meth problem.  Hell, I still feel like that when I attend certain “singleness of purpose” A.A. meetings.

According to the author of today’s reading, he/she experienced the following:  “With no effort on my part, I became aware that to love myself was good and right, as God had intended.”  Well bully for Bixby, whoever you are.  I experienced nothing like that.  I do love myself today, but it took a long time and a lot of work.  In reality, very few of the gifts of this program have come to me without hard work on my part.

But I do work and they are coming.  What’s the thing they say?  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly?  I guess I’m the slow one, compared to June 19 who just showed up and felt all the God-love.  Lousy bastard.

I’m smiling.  Today’s gonna be a good day.