what keeps us together?

There is a disease called dermatomyositis, in which the connective tissue that keeps us together basically comes unglued, on a cellular level.

What keeps us from falling apart at the seams (literally)? How does gravity work? Or rain? Dunno, don’t care. I’m sober today, and I’m not falling apart. The moon will probably come out tonight, the sun will probably come up tomorrow.

Is there a power greater than me keeping me together? The only answer possible is yes. I tried for so long to destroy myself… My active, aggressive use of drugs and alcohol, my insane behavior while on (and sometimes off) them, contradict any rational explanation for my continued existence. I think it is unlikely there is some Great Geppetto figure in the sky engaged in the minutiae of existence of every animal, vegetable and mineral. But I do believe there is a power in this world of ours.

Flannery O’Connor said that “Faith is what someone knows to be true, whether they believe it or not.” I think she’s right.

The second step was not very difficult for me—I think I had always known there was a power greater than me that could restore me to sanity, whether or not I actively believed it. Believing that my life was worth saving was what I had real trouble with. Believing that life was worth living was challenging as well.

Today I do believe. What exactly it is I believe doesn’t matter. I have heard twice in the past week from people who knew me in active addiction, who are in the program, that I am a miracle. It’s cheesy, but it is also true, on the purest level of being a supernatural (inexplicable in scientific terms). I should have been dead a long time ago. A lot of my friends are. But here I am.