getting my marbles back

Last night I marked nine months clean and sober. I’ve been off meth for eighteen months, but for me, drinking but not using didn’t really work out so well…..

It’s hard to believe it has only been nine months since I sat in my car, listening to Harry Potter and breathing in exhaust fumes, waiting to die. Life is so different now. It gets more difficult every day to remember the feeling of how much pain I was in then. I remember the insanity of the actions I was taking at that time—how reclusive I had become, how sad, my fits of rage, crying on the interstate—but it gets more difficult to recall the feelings.

I can remember my mom calling me one morning at 6:30am about a year ago, and I was hysterical, sobbing. I couldn’t find my keys, and my computer had crashed—just mundane everyday crap—and it sent me completely over the edge. She said We’ve got to get you some help.

I told her I would be fine. If I could just find my keys…. If things would just be like I wanted them to be. I didn’t listen. Why is it so difficult to listen to the people who love us the most? Who we know only want what is best for us?

Today I listen.

My sponsor from when I was going to AA meetings a couple of years ago (but was still drinking and sometimes using meth) gave me my nine month green marble last night (at a meeting where they give out marbles, not poker chips).

I am so fortunate to have so many people in my life who have stuck by me through so much insanity. A lot of people didn’t, and I don’t blame them. I was so sick. But I’m getting better everyday. Life is amazing.