but I don’t feel sick…..

In reading some program literature (AA’s Came to Believe), I ran across a reference to the “sickness unto death.” I used to have a copy of Kierkegaard’s work by the same name (which I never actually read), but I have been reading it online, and I think it really describes in a distinct (if indirect)  way the spiritual condition of the addict. At least, this addict.

The truly profound despair I felt before coming into recovery, before coming to believe in a power greater than myself, turned out to be really just sort of mundane in retrospect. I couldn’t see the forest or the trees because I was blind to anything outside myself, my own very limited ability to think or feel, or experience anything outside my very limited realm of being.

When I was using meth my world became so small, I could see no possibility for myself. When I was finally able to stop, but kept drinking, my despair really only got worse, because I had finally reached the If only. I had been telling myself for a long time that If only I could stop using meth, things will be better, but they weren’t. Meth wasn’t my problem.

Meth was a problem of mine, and a really big one, but I was my problem. The loss of self, of who I was or might be, was just being masked by what I considered to be an abundance of suffering I was being subjected to. As far as I was concerned, I was doing everything I could, to the best of my ability, and everyone and everything everywhere were working against me all the time. Letting go of that, in both treatment and early sobriety, was difficult. (For me and the people trying to help me.)

I have heard recently in several meetings that abstinence is only a very small part of the process of becoming whole, and while I agree, it was very critical for me in relieving myself of my despair, anxiety, emptiness and alienation. I could not be the person I am today if I were active in my addiction. While it is true that having a car key is a very small part of getting a car to drive, for me, it is the most important one…..I can rely on others to help me maintain the engine, pump the gas, etc, but if I don’t have the key, and the willingness to turn it, it doesn’t matter.

I’m still really sick in many ways. I know, because I see it every day. But now, I see it. But I don’t feel sick, because I know there is a solution, I know there is a cure, because I feel it.